UNSPOKEN VOW

A friend of mine once said that when it came to men, I would chew them up and spit them out as fast as I could. It was a horrid, horrible thing to say -- if only it didn't have an ounce of truth in it.

It wasn't like I was trying to use or hurt anyone; I was simply lost and needed directions. My problem was I didn't bother with a map and instead kept driving, asking all the wrong people for the right way to get to my destination. So I drove around in circles for a long time like a fool, trying to figure out why I kept ending up at the wrong place even when I knew the right one was just around the corner.

And then one day I stopped driving.

My friend T brought me along to a fundraiser, and I sat across from the organization's president. Immediately we hit it off; by the end of the evening we were mercilessly teasing each other as if we had known each other for years. From that night on we were virtually inseparable.

I remember during the second night G (not the same G from my previous post) kept looking at me and shaking his head. "This is too scary," he'd say. "We just met and it's like I've known you forever." I would have thought it was just another cheesy line if I didn't feel the same way. This must be what it's like when you finally find the right one, I thought. And then I found out he had been in a long-term relationship for years, the kind that everyone points at and says Yeah, that's what I want.

I thought G was the most amazing man I'd ever met: he was intelligent, articulate, charismatic, caring and compassionate, concerned about his community, and funny as hell. OK, sexy too (my turn-ons were chests and shoulders, and he didn't disappoint in the least). At that time we felt like we were each living our lives in the eye of a tornado, where it was deceptively calm but with everything hurling and smashing about around us. So we clung to each other for support; when we weren't together physically we were connected by phone, sometimes several times a day.

And of course the gossip mill started working overtime, and "concerned" friends (his mostly) approached him frequently to ask if all was well between him and his girlfriend, and to make sure he wasn't vulnerable enough to fall for -- well, me -- and throw away everything they had built together all those years. Apparently he was nicknamed "the Iron Man" because no matter how hot or willing the women were who threw themselves at him, he never succumbed. He never cheated on his girlfriend despite the distance -- which only made him more irresistible in their eyes.

Of course I loved him. I can't explain how I loved him, because it certainly wasn't in a way that I wanted or hoped we'd be together instead. But because I knew their relationship was important to him, it was valuable to me as well. His closest friends once observed that when G and I inadvertently touched each other, I would flinch or shrink away instantaneously; we were so, so close emotionally and mentally but physically miles apart.

Nothing was ever going to happen between us, we both knew it. We realized that even if we had gotten together and that it had nothing to do with his current relationship failing (they were on shaky ground at the time), people would always say that I took advantage of him or that he had cheated on her, and we'd start out defensive, paranoid, maybe even guilty. Not a good beginning.

So it didn't matter if there were plenty of opportunities to hook up -- we were frequently alone, and for crissakes I'd even seen him completely naked -- nothing ever happened between us. It was an unspoken vow and we weren't going to break it. Not even when he always seemed to do these things that were so amazing, that touched me deeper than I knew I could ever feel.

Like the time when I wanted to know what it was like to get drunk. Our friends were going out clubbing and I thought it would be a good idea to join them and go crazy for once in my life. Absolutely not, he said, if you've never gotten drunk before, you don't want to act all stupid in front of a bunch of people and regret it the next day. So we grabbed a six-pack of wine coolers from the store (my idea) and opted to stay home. Halfway down the bottle I wasn't feeling too great, but he egged me on (oh, just finish one, he insisted) and I did my best. I got so sick, he felt guilty. He tucked me into bed and sat by my side all evening, refilling my glass of water each time I so much as groaned (so I wouldn't feel sick in the morning, he explained). I got more sleep than he did that night.

But it hit me another night, what my entire experience with G had meant to me. I was feeling incredibly down and tired, like I couldn't get up even if I wanted to. So he simply asked me what I wanted to do, what would cheer me up. "This is Gigi Day, " he proclaimed, " We'll do anything that makes you happy. So -- what do you want?"

"Ice cream," I answered. "I think I want ice cream." And so we drove in search of an ice cream parlor still open this late at night; we returned with some fake stuff from a drive-through instead. We stood outside his apartment, I leaned against his car, and we were laughing out so loud the stars must have quivered. "Are you happy now?" he asked.

I looked at him, his face was close to mine, and I wanted so much to reach out and kiss him and tell him how perfect I thought he was. Then I thought of his girlfriend and all the plans they had made, and of our unspoken vow. I thought of how lost I was and how he needed someone more stable, more anchored -- and all of a sudden it was about what he needed that mattered to me. Being with G made me want to do the right thing, to be a better person -- the best I could ever be, for me and for the person I loved.

I realized this was love the way it was supposed to be. And it wasn't going to be mine, at least not with G, and certainly not now. "Yes," I answered, "I'm so, SO happy. Thank you."

Comments

[chiqui]

wow... that was tough. Was in a similar situation - my best guy friend & I had this platonic friendship for 3 yrs. I would say we were perfect friends but he was sort of involved w/someone else (they broke up at the time). But we gave in. I blame New York City. Feel-good, romantic setting. Everything changed after. A few months later, he married her, and we didn't keep in touch (because she hated me). Sad. I like your story better.

[Gigi]

Hi Chiqs - I messed up a perfectly good friendship with a guy before, so by the time I met G I was determined not to let that happen again. So this ended up well, the other one not so (or at least, not for a long while).

[glo]

ahhh...the things one has to do in the name of love. :-D breaks my heart...

[Yey]

I'm not sure that I've ever fallen in love with someone and stayed in a totally platonic relationship. But there are several men I've had that very close connection with. You're very lucky to have gone through that pure experience. Many have gone through their lives without having experienced real love, much less, chaste love. Even better, what you experienced was unconditional love on both your end and his. How wonderful!!!

Your post reminds me of an ex, R, who loved me regardless of what I did or how I affected him. I've never felt totally accepted by anyone as much as he accepted me before or after him. He knew exactly what to do to cheer me up and draw me out of a bad mood. He has always been there for me, regardless of whatever situation we're both in. When we were together, he anticipated my every need and wish, no matter how minute, and he acted without hesitation to fulfill each and every one, often to my surprise. To this day, even though he's married, he still considers me his "soul mate". But our opportunity to be together has passed, and it was through my prodding that finally made him get married. He knows that I will never get in between his relationship with his wife, mainly because I know that she is a much better person for him than I could ever be, and that I could never love him the way she does. My memory of him is enough.

Do you think it could be my karma to fall unconditionally in love with someone who ended up dumping me? Funny how life turns out, huh? Oh, well... my memory of him is enough, too.

[Rizal]

Hi, Gigi! I managed to read all of your blog entries (yes, from October 2004 to present) after several sittings -- and I must say what a great storyteller you are.

I especially enjoyed your posts about your cat Boo, your sister Tina, the mouse you and your dad set free, your apartment with no kitchen, and so many others that made me laugh, teary-eyed, and feel good about myself.

Thanks for sharing your life stories.

[Anna]

Yes, it is possible to have that instant rapport, that recognition of souls, with someone you just met. I know because it happened to me three times. The first was an impossible situation in my teens, "ships passing in the night". I married the second one - we got engaged 3 weeks after our first date and are still happily married after 12 years, with 2 young kids who are driving us out of our minds. The third - well, if I hadn't been married (4 years), I would have gone for it. The third developed into a good friendship, which has stood the test of time and business (he has been my direct manager several times), and over the years I have come to realize that we would probably not have lasted if we had gone beyond friendship. I've been very lucky, as each relationship has enhanced my life in different ways.

[trish]

Had the same experience -- S was my best friend -- and MARRIED. For us, not only was the friendship there but also the attraction but I never gave in -- I love him, I loved his wife, and I loved his son -- and I knew that if we had our brief "moment," not much would have been gained and a lot more lost. I knew I loved him -- because I let him go.

[Lyn]

Gigi - I'm glad you posted what you did of the Unspoken Vow. A few questions - 1.)was it hard to let go of him? 2.)Do you or have you found yourself pulling away from a guy b/c they didn't give you the same feeling that G did when you were together? i.e. Do you place him on a pedestal of comparison 3.) Where is he now? It's just my curious mind going. I've shared this blog entry with a friend, there are a few excerpts that I hope she considers. Good job Gigi

[Gigi]

Hi Glo - I used to think unrequited love was tragic, until I met G. Despite everything, I really believe things worked out the way they were supposed to.

Hello Yey - Karmic retribution? I think not. As I've told you, I really believe ending the relationship so soon may have been the best for both of you. It's just difficult to see that now.

Hi Rizal - Thanks for reading all 145 entries! Wow, I'm really touched and flattered you thought they were worth your time. :) Do you have a blogsite as well so I can visit?

Hi Anna - You surprise me every day. Really.

Hello Trish - That's a REALLY good way of putting it, your last sentence there. And imagine everything you've gained since then. :)

Hi Lynn - Here are my answers: (1) That's a tough one to put a "yes" or "no" answer too. I think because I'd already conditioned my mind and heart to do the right thing, it wasn't too difficult not to want something more. Let's put it this way: the experience wasn't painful. I'd do it all over again, exactly the same way. (2) Oh yeah, no one ever measured up -- especially since he never disappointed or hurt me. But I also knew it would be unfair to compare any boyfriend to him, because it wouldn't be the same thing. (3) He's (happily) married -- not to the girlfriend he was with, but to someone else. I remember when he later told me they had broken up, my first thought was "WHAT?!!!" But it's all good -- I told myself a long, long time ago that it all worked out for the best. And I still believe that. :)

[AleXa]

It's the first time that i came across your blog site. I think i'm gonna keep comin' back..(",)

[Gigi]

Hi Alexa - Thanks for stopping by! And I'd love it if you stopped by again. :)

[Anna]

Hmm, if I surprise you is that good or bad?