GIGI GOES GAGA

HOW TO SAVE OURSELVES FROM DROWNING

If I listened to and watched the news all day, I'd be inclined to think that the world is falling apart, and that life as I know it is about to change. And maybe it is, for better or worse. Sometimes it feels like we're drowning -- people in California (where I live) are losing their jobs yet paying more taxes but receiving fewer and worse services.

If there's anything I've learned during this past year, it's that power, fame, and fortune mean absolutely nothing. I don't have to list names of all the celebrities, politicians, and millionaires/billionaires who have fallen so far and deep recently; they're in the news every day, almost every minute, to remind us how easily it is to lose everything. The thing is this: all three goals are entirely self-directed, and often at the expense of someone else. While it's perfectly reasonable to want to make enough money to live comfortably, be recognized for our achievements, and have at least some control over how we wish our lives to be, there's a line over which we stop caring about anyone else outside of our own personal spheres. I believe that, collectively, we went over that line a long time ago, and perhaps now we need each other more than ever.

Simply put, I think people ought to start thinking about other people again. I believe we should start thinking about how our actions and decisions affect the bigger picture that we're inextricably a part of. When you think of it, everything we do comes back to us -- not just in a karma sort of way, but because we all are more connected to each other than we can possibly imagine.

We all pay for other people's greed: we pay when politicians steal, when people our children look up to act badly in order to get their 15 minutes of fame/infamy, when business leaders set aside human reasons to make yet another buck. Perhaps we really ought to rethink this "Me" business.

Look, there are many ways to start thinking and acting beyond the self; not everything has to be about the grand gesture. Just as tiny bits of stone can cause avalanches, so can little actions. For instance, next time you're out grocery shopping, return the cart you used to where you see the "Return Cart" sign. Or if you're trying on clothes, pick up the items you're not purchasing and put them back on the hanger. It's not your job, you say? Someone else is getting paid to do it, you insist? Well, think about the things that YOU'RE supposedly getting paid to do or are expected to do -- and then think of how badly your day can get if even three other people thought the same way and gave you a shitload of stuff more to tackle because that's your problem, not theirs.

Or how about offering to give directions -- or even escort -- a group of people who look hopelessly lost in your office building or at the mall? Or making sure not to leave such a mess at your table in the restaurant you're enjoying a nice meal at? Or just being nice to the people who serve you, clean up after you, or who are there to make sure you get what you need? I was quite surprised the other day when the folks who work at the counter of the veterinary clinic where I bring my cat weekly told me that there are way more clients who are nastier than nice to them. I can't think of why that would be, but I can say that I can't think of one bad consequence I received for treating them well, and at least a handful of good reasons for doing so.

Here's the thing. There is more than one way to interpret anything, and how you choose to do so says everything about you and almost nothing about the way the world really is. If you want to believe that being nice only makes you a fool or causes you to come in last in whatever race you think you're running in, it merely shows that you're driven by fear. If you think that everyone cheats and steals when they're placed in the position you're in -- and therefore so should you -- it only means that you have no self-control or scruples to speak of. Not everyone in the world is a selfish bastard -- but you are.

I'm certainly not saying we ought to forget about what's good for us or about striving for what we want. These are important motivations that keep us going, that make life worth living for. I only think that we need to remember that almost everything we now see wrong in this world was caused by people believing that nothing, and no one, else mattered than what was good for themselves alone. Maybe if we learned to see that we're all in this together, and that what's good for us is not mutually exclusive from what's good for all of us, we'd be better off than we are now. I believe that even a tiny shift in perspective can open up the world to us. That one day, after remembering to do simple things out of common courtesy and respect, we'll find ourselves making ethically-based decisions as a matter of course.

At least I choose to think so. After all, the only thing that can save a drowning person is another person. We can all be that other person -- and eventually save ourselves as well.

STILL HERE

I've been away for a bit, but only because I've been steeling myself for what's already looking to be the most challenging year of my life (and I'm not overstating things, not even the least bit, by the way). I've been looking backwards and forwards and reminding myself that, with a little bit of positive thinking, I'll be all right.

For instance, I am happier and more at peace with myself today than I was this same time last year. I do remember clearly that I also felt the same way then about the year before. Strangely enough the challenges have only been getting inversely tougher, which means that my state of mind has had little to do with the external, with all that's going on around and outside of me. I'm feeling better today not because I'm richer or more successful or even thinner than I was a year ago (because I'm certainly not any of the above) but because despite this slippery slope I find myself in, I also feel more grounded than I have been for a long while. I also feel poised to fight -- to get through, around, and over the tough -- and be brave enough to face whatever happens to be on the other side.

***

Breakthrough moment. Many years ago, I went through something quite horrific -- and I hope you forgive me if I don't go into specifics right now -- which altered the entire trajectory of my life completely. It changed me in so many ways, and almost none for the better. I developed a panic/anxiety disorder that shrunk my world, I made countless poor decisions, I became afraid. I gained weight, I lost myself, I forgot my way.

Last night I realized that all four therapists I'd approached for help through the years were working with me on dealing with the aftershocks rather than the earthquake itself, and that we'd never touched on the fault from which my life's quakes had originated. It occurred to me that, when this awful thing  happened, I immediately made at least two fatal errors: One, I refused to admit that I was going through a form of post-traumatic stress; and, Two, I blamed only myself and not the other person who had inflicted harm upon me. I tried to get away and forget: I changed my life almost wholly and, when that didn't work, I took (prescribed) antidepressants to numb myself. That didn't help me either.

Just recently I discovered that the "other" person  no longer remembers any of what had occurred between us -- his memory was mercifully wiped out by a devastating accident that had almost killed him but perhaps also saved him as well. So while he no longer remembers, I still can't forget. Last night I suddenly woke up and realized that I was finally angry, something I had tried so hard not to be. It's taken almost 15 years but now I know when I took that sudden sharp turn and cracked. Perhaps now I'll also know how to ask for help to put myself completely together again.

***

And, yes, because I've realized this, I'm also better off today than I was 15 years ago. I can't wait to see where I'll be 15 years from today.

OVER LUNCH TODAY...

At the food court inside Mitsuwa, a Japanese grocery, in Costa Mesa. Husband and I are having a late lunch. He tells me about a good friend of his from way back, who now lives in the Philippines and has several wives (the friend is Muslim, extremely rich, and owns many homes). Lightbulb goes off in my head.

Me: Honey, would you want to have many wives?
He: (Looking at me suspiciously. He thinks this might be a trick question.) Uh, I think I'd need to have a lot of money in order to afford more than one.
Me: OK, let's say you're filthy rich -- richer than your friend even. Would you want to have many wives then?
He: How many?
Me: Hmmm...three wives. One here -- which is me, of course. One in Manila, and maybe one somewhere else.
He: I don't know... (He doesn't know where this is leading and is being cautious.)
Me: OK, OK, what if you had three of me then?
He: Does that mean I'd have three of your mom, too??? (Looks like he's beginning to panic.)
Me: No, silly! Forget my mom...just three of me!
He: (Still looks like he's about to panic.) No, I think just one of you is enough.
Me: (Giggling.) So you're saying you're happy with just one wife then?
He:  Just one is enough. (Smiling broadly.)
Me: What about one of Adriana Lima?
He: Just ONE???
Me: (Kicking him under the table.) That was a trick question! You're supposed to say you don't want her at all!
He: (Not blinking. Isn't that supposed to be a sign that someone's not telling the truth?) OK, I don't want one of her...
Me: (Thinking whether to kick him again.)
He:...I think I'd want THREE of her! (Starts laughing.)
Me: (Quiet. Shooting him stink-eye.)
He: OUCH!!! (Moving his leg away from my foot.) OK, I don't want her -- only you!!!
Me: That's what I thought.