ON LEAVING AND LIVING

"It is in your moments of decision that your destiny is shaped."
- Anthony Robbins

I still remember quite clearly the moment I decided to ask for a divorce.

Sure, there were many other times I wondered about it, thought deeply about it, and even fantasized what it would be like to put my fractured marriage behind me, and just move on. I'm not the kind of person who likes to ask for help, but I prayed for guidance and strength, and even saw a therapist and a psychiatrist. I read books (one of my favorites: Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay) and magazine articles to help me sort out my situation and see if this was something that could be fixed. All throughout I told myself that commitment in marriage was different from the kind you agree to make with a boyfriend; you commit to love your spouse -- even on (especially on, I should say) mornings you wake up, look to your side and think "I cannot stand this person anymore."

But when I made the decision, I was done. I knew I had tried to make it work and that the only option left was to lose myself and settle for less of a life than I deserved. So on that day, as I took a break from packing all our belongings in boxes -- we were about to completely remodel and renovate our home and were moving elsewhere temporarily -- I realized I had no desire to take this next step with him and was too exhausted to even try. I was all packed up, and ready to go even if I had no idea where I was going. I picked up the phone, called him and said, "I can't do this anymore."

Since that moment, I've never looked back or regretted my decision. I've never asked myself if I could have tried any more than I had. I started all over again -- moved out of our beautiful home in San Marino into a one-bedroom apartment, and lived from paycheck to paycheck until my circumstances improved. And I never wondered whether or not I made the right choice.

If I had not made that choice, I would have been married 10 years this month. That's a lot of living to be either enjoyed or endured. The other choice I made that day was to be happy -- what gave me the courage to pick up the phone was realizing that happiness, just like marriage, was also a choice that requires constant commitment. I've been happy ever since. Life isn't perfect, for sure, but at least now I'm committed to living.

Comments

[MELVYN PATRICK LOPEZ]

This makes me see your mom in you... and whatever you do, I know you'll come out of it stronger and a better person...