STRANGER SEX

I used to say, with complete confidence and absolute certainty, that in October men turn into animals -- they bang on doors and beg to be let in, even using deceit and cunning if necessary. It was a theory I'd developed from years of observation: as soon as late September came rolling around and early October arrived, all of a sudden my phone would wake up from sleepy stupor. It was like clockwork.

So when my friend Sam challenged me to a chastity race, I thought it was unwise of him to set the starting line in October. Still, I refused to back down and accepted the dare. I was so determined to win, I hibernated at home and stayed away from men. I lost --and October wasn't even over yet. All because an ex I thought I was over asked me out to lunch to apologize for being a jerk and I discovered he still knew how to make me laugh. And much more.

Soon after I read a blurb in the local paper about how a group of scientists theorized that humans become more lustful in October because of gravity. I don't remember details, but I think it stated gravitational forces are stronger during this time; in mid-autumn the waxing and waning of the moon exerts a strong gravitational pull, thus affecting the ebb and flow of tides. And since humans consist of over 70 percent water, we're affected by these forces too.

I clipped the article to show all my friends I was right, and better yet that I had come to the same conclusion without the benefit of science. Of course, over the years and many household moves later, I've since lost my precious trophy. But it certainly doesn't mean I've since dismissed my theory just because I no longer have concrete proof.

For instance, it's now October and a girlfriend just confessed she's been jonesing for a one-night stand. This isn't like her at all -- she's just a good girl with a broken heart who has tried everything to put it back together. And since nothing's worked so far, she thinks sex with a stranger will help her move on. She's not ready for another relationship and certainly not for love or yet another emotional rollercoaster: she just wants the touch without the intimacy.

On the same day of my friend's confession, I chanced upon Cosmopolitan Magazine Philippines's online site, in particular its forums page. And because one-night stands were still on my mind, my eyes stopped on this message thread, about whether or not it was OK to have sex on the first date. Predictably, most said it was just a bad idea; if a woman sleeps with a man the first time they meet, she should expect nothing long-term to come out of it.

I generally agree with this premise, although I'm sure there are exceptions out there. I suspect what runs through a man's head (the one on top of his shoulders, I mean) the morning after is that if this woman (whose name he may or may not remember) was so quick to jump into bed with him, she may be living life on a trampoline. Let's face it: once he's caught his prey without having experienced the thrill of the chase, he may decide to go off and find new hunting grounds that pose more of a challenge to him.

Whether or not what I suspect is true, I have my own reasons for never having had a one-night stand. First, sex with someone for the first time usually isn't that great; both are a bit anxious, and although the basic steps are fairly rudimentary, the rhythm is off and the tricks don't usually work (or at least aren't flawless). So I find it a bit disconcerting to think our first impressions of each other -- that she/he was just eh, all right but nothing incredible -- will be our last. And worse, what if that one night does lead to something permanent: not a man or a relationship, but of all things, a disease? Condoms are always a good idea, but they don't completely protect one from, say, HPV and genital warts. I may not be conservative, but I am cautious.

There's a good rule to live by regarding having sex on the first date, and it was expressed so simply and succinctly by the actor Paul Walker, who is so gorgeous I can only guess he's had many opportunities to hook up with women whether an actual date took place or not. "If you do it, chances are it's not going to go anywhere," he said. "But if you both know it's not going anywhere, then there's nothing wrong with it."

In other words, I don't believe one-night stands are a bad thing; you've just got to realize why they are called precisely that. It's the show without a rehearsal or the after party, and when it's over,that's the end of its run. But if you're exhilarated by the thrill of a one-time take, and know for sure you can tackle -- or better yet -- handle it, then go spread your wings (among other things), fly, and live for the moment.

I do believe that sex is sex and love is love; that they are neither synonyms for each other nor a condition for the other to exist. Although I wasn't brought up to believe that, it's good to know the difference between the two when, say, October comes around. So when it's finally November, you won't feel like you were a tiny boat that splintered into pieces when those mid-autumn waves crashed into it.

Comments

[Anna]

Here my Catholic upbringing shows - I have never been able to separate sex from love. The only time I was ever tempted to sleep with a guy I was not emotionally involved with was when I was drunk on 4 or 5 shots of lambanog on an empty stomach. And I think the only reason he didn't take advantage of my inebriated state was because he spent most of the night helping me barf my guts out. I can't have been very attractive after that. My only consolation for the next morning's excruciating embarrassment was that I did not get a hangover - they do say that lambanog's like that, which is one reason I like it.

As for October, I can't tell as my hubby is perpetually randy. It's October all year in this house.

[Lyn]

haha! No wonder I always get calls and invites for baby showers around Summer! Goooood, useful information to know - thanks Gigi!

[Jovs]

Wooohoo! I was born early June! Mwehehehe!

[Gigi]

Hi Anna - Methinks you and Yey should start up your own blogsite, entitled "What Really Happens to Angels." Just kidding! Ok..sorta. :)

Hi Lyn and Jovs - Aha! I knew something useful would come out of this.

[Cathy]

I am the most paranoid girl when it comes to STDs. So I do have yearly Pap tests and just had a blood test run. urge everyone i know to do the same

[Anna]

Thanks Gigi, but I think any blog we create would be a poor shadow of yours. I've really enjoyed your writing. I only wish your archives link was on the top of the page so I wouldn't have to scroll forever to search for it! Please change that? I'm sure I'm not the only one who'd appreciate it.

Your product and music recommendations are pretty cool too - if I did a page it would probably be littered with book reviews.

And by the way, we never claimed to be angels, haha. Especially Yey!

[Yey]

That's right, Gigi - I never claimed to be an angel, just a "santa", or maybe a "santita", at some point in my life. Plus, because of my very Catholic upbringing, any un-"santita" acts had to be VERY discreetly implemented, as I'm sure you know about. Old habits are hard to break, which is why I still fool people every now and then. :-)

Now, why am I not surprised about Anna's reaction to your post? She has never claimed to be an angel either, but I think that's because she doesn't believe they exist in the traditional sense within the vastness of the cosmic universe.

Sex is sex and love is love. Of course, sex is always so much better when you're making love.

If someone just wants the release and not the relationship, then what is wrong with having casual sex? With two consenting adults who know what they're both getting into, why not? Personally, I would suggest having a f----buddy instead, someone that one already knows and can be totally discreet with - or not, depending on what they both want.

But men really get more randy in October? Hmmm... I'd better be on the lookout, wouldn't you say?

Just kidding....?!?

[Anna]

Thanks for putting the archives link where it can easily be found! That is so much better!

[Gigi]

Hi Anna - Thanks! OK, you're right -- neither of you claimed to be anghels. Just my perception of you guys in school, I suppose. Somehow I don't think many others will contradict me, though (except your randy hubby). :)

Hello Yey - Hey, sabi na nga I don't think one-night stands are wrong; I just haven't had one (and better not, because it won't sit well with Arnel). F**k buddies are good to have, too -- just so as both are absolutely clear what the deal is, so no one gets hurt (or a disease).

[Gigi]

Hi Cathy - I'm with you! When my husband and I just started dating, the condom didn't come off until both of us had full STD testing and the results showed we were both clear! Then the fun really began. :)

[BatJay, Ang Dating Supot]

so are you still the master of your domain?

this post just reminded me of that famous seinfeld episode.

musta na kapitbahay? malapit na ang oras para mag dinner na naman. hehehe.

[Gigi]

Hello KB (King Batjay or Kapit-Bahay, your pick)!

Let me know kailan kayo free -- next Friday (not this Friday, alam ko may houseguests pa kayo)? Next time naman na mag-ronda ka sa neighborhood, knock on our door OK?

[a]

Thanks for the really great articles you write, Gigi. This particular post interests me so much. See, I got attracted fairly recently to a colleague at work. Problem is, he doesn't seem to care about how girls/women/ladies around him look - doesn't have a roving eye! Subsob sa trabaho lagi! I've NEVER seen him check any girl out. He's not gay, alright? I've never been the flirty type - and I actually haven't done anything to seduce him, haha. However,he's become a bit of a challenge for me now. Thanks for the heads up. Now I know I have 3 weeks to work overtime to get him to notice me, hahaha!

[Yey]

Sorry, Gigi, ha. Ang kulit ko, no?

[Gigi]

Hi A - Good luck! Hope it all works out for (both of) you. :)

Hey Yey - Hehehe. OK lang. :)