WHEN IMITATION IS A GOOD THING

I came across something brilliant the other week. I don't remember if I'd heard or read it (great, someday I might say or write something pretty darn smart and other memory-challenged folks like myself will forget I had anything to do with it. Anyway.) still I've been putting it to good use since then.

Someone said (and I'm also paraphrasing here) that if you'd like to have an idea of how someone else is feeling at a particular moment or instance, simply mimic the person's facial expression and it's the closest you'll ever get to experiencing an actual mind-meld -- unless you're psychic of course.

I've imitated folks (hopefully without their knowledge) forcing smiles, grimacing, biting their lip, staring straight ahead, and even looking completely blank, for instance, and I'm amazed at how much insight I've received about their state of mind or being. Of course, sometimes I wish I could copy my own expression just to figure out what it is I'm actually feeling, but of course it doesn't work that way. And then I worry that someone else is going to figure it out for me.

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I come from a family that's not the slightest bit touchy-feely, at least with each other. We don't share our emotions or worries, we don't know the minute details of each other's lives, and we don't normally express love or affection, especially in verbal form. Both my parents never told us they loved us, certainly not because they didn't but because it was something we simply didn't do.

But my youngest sister and I decided to change all that, at least between ourselves, a few years after I moved here. It wasn't anything we discussed or resolved to do, it just sort of happened during the time she spent a few months here in Los Angeles with me, and I think we just liked the feeling of closeness that developed and grew between us. So we have our own little rituals (like when I can't sleep at night she brushes my hair while we chat until I finally doze off or she tucks her ice-cold feet under my legs because she knows I like the chill) and we actually say things like "I miss you" and, yes, "I love you."

My husband is not an emotional kind of guy either; it's just not in his nature to share his feelings with anyone (and especially no group hugs or singing kumbaya over a campfire. Ever.). So although it bothered me for quite some time that he wouldn't tell me he loved me, I tried my best to be patient. But I told him exactly how I felt about the whole thing, and still continued to tell him how much I felt about him. About a year before we got married he finally had a breakthrough and uttered the three words I'd been waiting to hear, and today he says it even after the briefest of phone calls, and even if his guy friends or co-workers are within earshot.

A few years ago I resolved to do the same with my dad after I finally made peace with the divisive issues between us. So I'd end my long-distance phone calls to him by saying cheerily, "I love you daddy" and always there would be a pause or hesitation before he replied the same way, albeit very softly and uncomfortably.

Mom phoned to greet me happy birthday and after chatting with her tonight for a bit, she passed the phone on to my father. He greeted me as well and asked me how I'd be celebrating. Now my dad is a man of few words (if I wrote down everything I'd ever heard him say during my lifetime it would amount to fewer words than contained in my blog archives) so we never talk for very long. And as we were wrapping up our conversation he suddenly said it first, loud enough for me to hear clearly.

"I love you!"

And there it was, the best birthday present I've ever received. Sometimes, imitation can actually be a good thing.

Comments

[MadMuse]

You are leading and loving by example, and your Dad followed suit. That made me tear up. Happy Birthday!!!

By the way, count me in as I imitated you, too. I bought the Gilligan & O'Malley Seamless Boy Shorts. THEY ARE AWESOME!!! :)

[K]

Happy Birthday, Ms Gigi. For some reason I shared the same thing with you yesterday, it was also my Dad's bday (Aug 27).

I phoned Mom to greet him for me, that is in prayers since he passed away 7 years ago. That moment on, the conversation was as if not going to end as everyone was so excited.

Happy Bday once again. Nag spaghetti ka ba? More blessings!

[cheH]

Happy Birthday!:)

[Mai]

Happy Birthday Gigi :)

[Jovs]

Funny eh that sometimes it is easier to tell our friends that we love them than to tell our parents or siblings the same thing.

Happy Birthday!

[ernie]

No matter how eloquent or articulate you are Gigi, words will fail to fully describe that feeling you had that moment – after he uttered those words. Feels good to hear it huh and on your birthday at that. Enjoy life. Happy ka na Birthday mo pa. ;-)

[rolly]

That is a very nice theory you have there and I think it's worth pursuing as you have something there that is very logical to me.

I think I am a touch/feel person. I find a very nice assurance touching a person's hand, shoulder, etc. but you know how it is for guys here in Manila. So, before I be misconstrued as a pervert, I keep my hands to myself. :-)

[Gigi]

Hi All - thank you so much for the birthday greetings! I'm so very touched. :)

MadMuse - Aren't they terrific? Everyone else makes them really, really low rise so I hunted high and low for more than a year for something with a bit of a higher rise but not girdle-looking naman (and not expensive, too) --and the G&Ms were just what I was looking for. When I first saw them in the stores, I nearly fell to my knees with happiness (seriously!). Mervyn's private label had something similar but the fabric was too thin. Anyway, I'm so glad you agree. :)

K - I forgot about the noodles!!!

cheH and Mai - Thanks so much!
Mai, It's so hot down here in So. CA I envy you in cool, foggy SFO!

Jovs - It's so true -- I guess because we usually tend to take family for granted because we're "stuck" with them, 'no?

Ernie - Tama ka, there are no words that can describe how I felt -- that's why I didn't even try. :)

(Tito) Rolly - I'm the same way, too, at least with people I'm comfortable with. You're right, I used to think it was bad enough that girls are criticized for being kikay when they're touchy-feeling -- but it would be worse to be accused of being a pervert! Ay naku...

[bugsybee]

Hi Gigi! Happy, happy birthday! ... Now I know that aside from music and blogging, we have another thing in common. Reading about your family was amazingly like reading an exact description of my own family! That one paragraph that you wrote fits my family to a T. :)

[ladybug]

Very touching post! Happy birthday. :-)

[Gigi]

Hello fabulous "bug" ladies :) - Thank you so much for the birthday greetings, I'm really quite touched by your thoughtfulness.

[jase]

wow, i was quite touched by this post! It is only recently that I have been verbal with my feelings towards love ones as well. As you said, it is basically formed by your family upbringing. But the good thing is, we can improve on this aspect by mimicking and then it becomes you and not acting anymore! This is really true.

And I remember that song by Aha ? - with lyrics like .. say it loud, say it clear ... da,da,da!

Anyway, hope you had a wonderful Birthday! And wishing you all the best!

[petite]

oh, dear, i'm late for the party. belated happy birthday, gigi! i hope this year will bring more fun and excitement your way! :-)

[Jet]

Tekaaaaa...

Bakit nawala yung greeting ko dito? I know I did!

But anyway, eto, I'll send you my birthday wishes again. Hindi puwedeng wala ang greeting ko... hehe.

HAPPY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY GIGI!!!

[walker]

Passing through -

Having tried it on and off for a few days, I'd say the facial expression imitation idea does seem of some use. It does help you put the other gal/guy's shoes on for a bit. It is limited though, by the thought that sometimes people's faces are just like that. Stereotypes. (He isn't looking at you with a reptilian expression. He's just Chinese.)

[Gigi]

hi Petite - What? No way! Party's on all week! :) Thank you!

Hello Jet - What a surprise it was to see you and Jay during lunch today! I'm never in the area during weekday lunch -- I wasn't feeling well so my co-worker took me home early today. Thanks for the greeting!

Hi Walker - Hmmm...well it's always good to know it helps somewhat. :)

[Juliet]

Belated happy birthday Gigi! :) I just had to leave a comment here about your entry because it made me cry!

[Gigi]

Hi Juliet - Awww girl, thanks! BTW I just got my bobbi brown package with the new gold collection...so beautiful I wanted to cry, too. :)

[chiqui]

I could have sworn I left a msg the other day to greet you but I don't see it. I also emailed you but not sure if you received it. Strange. Anyway, hope you had a blast, and have a great year!!!

[Gigi]

Hi Chiqs - You know, I'm wondering if something was wrong with Typepad one day because someone else posted a comment and said it disappeared! Thanks for the bday greeting -- can't wait to see you next year. :)