10 THINGS I WON'T DO FOR LOVE

I've done many crazy things for love, but there are quite a few things I just would not, could not, do. I'm listing a few that I've actually been asked to do. A girl's got to have her limits, you know.

1. Do anything illegal - Some people say love is a prison, but I'm guessing this experience is nothing compared to being in an actual prison. Now I like being proven correct, but I'm not willing to find out if I'm right in this instance.
2. Sleep in a warm room - If he likes it tropical and I prefer it arctic (which I do) then we're sleeping in separate rooms. I have a hard time falling asleep as it is.
3. Go camping where there's no decent bathroom - I've never gone camping and the only thing I've had any experience digging into is my own soul. Somewhere in-between camping and glamping is my happy place. Some folks might call it an outdoor day spa but I won't bother with semantics.
4. Go to a theme park or Chuck E. Cheese - Disneyland is NOT the happiest place in the world for me (once, in 1983, was way more than enough) and I would rather attend traffic school than spend the day at any theme park, period. One of the worst times I've ever had was at the other place I mention, where a kid can be a kid. Well, I'm not a kid. Corollary to #4: Clowns, mimes, and Santa Claus freak me out, too.
5. Reveal my number - I learned this lesson the hard way a long time ago. If you do you're opening another whole can of worms, and next thing you know you're defriending a whole bunch of people on Facebook against your own will. And that's just for starters.
6. Destroy personal items - I won't destroy or throw away diaries, photographs, and letters just because someone else wants to remove all evidence of my past life. I'll respect the man I love and keep everything out of his sight and reach but I'm not about to wipe out my history so that it becomes all about HIS story.
7. Make me give up a beloved pet - When I had Boo I didn't date (or continue to date) anyone who didn't like cats. If there's anyone reading this who thinks I'm odd, substitute "children" for "cats" and ask yourself again if I'm being unreasonable. The same goes for dogs, by the way.
8. Turn my back on family and friends - I've learned that anyone who tries to get in between me and my family and/or friends is a selfish, manipulative bastard who wants to separate me from my support system so that he can control me completely. Never again.
9. Wear a thong, like, for reals - I work at a lingerie store so I get men and thongs, I really do. I'll gladly wear one for a few minutes to mix it up and spice up the evening, but any man who expects me to switch out my boyshorts for buttfloss all day had better be willing to do the same.
10. Eat durian - Yes, I know I might be missing out on one of life's greatest pleasures -- but I simply can't get past the smell. And I've tried, I've really tried. But when a man I love once told me, "If you really love me you'll eat [durian]" I told him that if it were a test then I'd already failed. After all these years I haven't figured out the "that" Meatloaf was referring to when he sung about what he wouldn't do for love, but in my head it's probably this.